OUTCOMING A JOURNEY REALIZED BY LOOKING IN

OUTCOMING 

A STORY BY BIGDADDY BLUES…

When I was a young adolescent of 15 years I was suddenly thrust into a world I had never imagined, it was the world I came out to and I was completely ready to immerse myself in it. I was a typical athletic, rusty-butt teenager and doing the things most boy’s do who are able to be free to enjoy their youth. The gay world I came out to was completely alien to me… it defied nearly everything I had understood about life up to that point. I knew the first time I stepped into the life that it would never feel like family because my own family was so warm and supportive, nothing could take its place.  I perceived that many of the men around me were scared or lost, other than signifying they appeared to have no other raison d'etre; i felt they had run away from some other world to any world that would accept them. After all, how interesting could a bar full of middle-aged men drinking alcohol be to a teenager who was still riding his skateboard as a primary means of entertainment?  But the gay lifestyle, I would discover was a world that would only accept a man on its terms and those terms could be as brutal as the world from which a man had nearly escaped. In the case of many men coming out would ultimately include a rigorous process of indoctrination into what is called “The Life”. The life is a subculture with its own language, rules of operation, ethics, aesthetics and consequences… To be honest, the gay culture I experienced as a teenager was far too harsh for my liking, I enjoyed being able to talk to men who were passionate about art, architecture, music and literature and clubbing but that is where the romance ended for me… other than conversation I had nothing in common with the men with whom I associated and I flirted with the life more as a means of ephemeral entertainment (not sex) when I became bored with my straight friends. As a teenager I was a big nerd, I hooked school to hang out in the museums sketching and studying the paintings and sculpture of the old masters. I sketched wrote poetry and painted into the wee hours of the morning and while I could have been running the streets. I spent the rest of my time exploring the woods and creeks behind my house. On Fridays I hooked school to go thrift shopping all day for unique club clothes having developed a love for antique tuxedos, smoking jackets, sharkskin and zuit suits… I loved the big band era and the delta blues and used to imagine that I was a musician living in those golden days so I began to dress in the style of the 1930’s through 1960’s. I’m quite certain that my passion for history went completely over the heads of my heterosexual friends but my gay friends totally got it!



I came from a close loving family, so I was not looking for acceptance within the gay milieu. I was not looking for a father figure, I already had one.  My dad and I had our odds but he was always there for me, I admired and loved him, I would try on his colognes and cufflinks and neckties when he was at work, I wanted to be just like him, he was suave and confidently masculine, he was the epitome of a gentleman and I knew how deeply he loved me although I sometimes took his fatherly devotion for granted. I did not understand it at the time but I lived a privileged and sheltered life, I had no unhappiness, I was just a typical, happy teenager naïve of and eager to explore the world around me.



The first issue I had with coming out was that all of the other males were far too effeminate for my liking, they seemed to be obsessed with being beautiful according to female standards. I honestly could not identify with them at all but I wanted to belong to this new group of people still knowing I did not really vibe with them on many fundamental levels.  So I pulled back emotionally because I could not find anyone who I could identify with at that time. Well, there was one brotha I was deeply attracted to, he was just a regular guy like me, naturally masculine but he was not attracted to me for reasons I would understand later in life. Nobody told me about the tradition in the gay lifestyle  that a masculine man was expected to be paired up with a feminine man.  I opted out of the dating game altogether focusing on being me. Being gay at that time was really very different, it seemed that most of the men who were out were very feminine. I could see vestiges of their former masculinity still shine through but as the years passed their manliness began to fade until many of them eventually crossed over the line.  So I kept a safe distance and observed less intently knowing that the gay lifestyle as a primary focus was not for me. I longed to find naturally masculine male-identified men that I could befriend or form a relationship with to make up for the overabundance of feminine gay men that seemed to come from everywhere… fortunately graduating from high school and going to college pulled me away from that crowd and thrust me into a world that I really did identify with. In college I met lifelong male friends who shared my passion for manhood so I never looked back again. I loved the gay friends of high school and I mourned them as they perished one by one during the AIDS epidemic until they were literally all gone. Afterwards the gay men with whom I made acquaintance were all male-identified men like me and we operated within our own circles of like-minded men. I found great affection and understanding within my circle of male-identified men and we worked out the issues of being gay and masculine together. We operated as our own support group because we truly had only ourselves to turn to. Today most of my gay friends happen to be male-identified, we are mature now, professional and accomplished and we understand our journey within the mainstream of gay culture has rewarded us with the ability to honestly say that we kept our true identities. I have seen so many men transform from the regular guy next door into something else for no apparent reason other than perhaps they had no positive role models to show them how to love and cherish their manhood. I understand that these men needed to belong to something when they came out so they joined the only groups of gay men they could find, I do not begrudge them their choice or their lack of resilience. I do know that we have to offer male-identified gay men an alternative community of support that does not cost them their manhood to belong. Within the diversity of the gay community we must create institutions that actively help male-identified men retain their identity as men! So I live the exemplary life as a male-identified gay man, a role model others can identify with… I am the peaceful lover of traditional manhood and my name is BIGDADDY BLUES!




Now I am an American man and so my concept of manhood is necessarily coloured by my Americanness! I am also a scholar of the world who has studied the cultures of every continent and though I am no anthropologist I can confidently say that the ideal of manhood is not so very different as you move around the globe, no culture has a patent on manhood.  Given the cultural and ethnic diversity of humanity it would be impossible to postulate a truly universal standard for manhood so I have become comfortable with a happy fusion of them all… Manhood is not defined only by superficial folkways, traditions, technique-ways and behavioral mannerisms it is obviously founded upon a more substantial core that is also genetically and physically rooted in our practical makeup as an organism. But the unique characteristics that comprise the world of manhood are essential, edifying structures, valid contributions to the broad and complex definition of manhood. The science of human social culture has evolved unique, (though arbitrary) identifiers such as apparel, to codify the roles that men are expected to play in their communities. Who is to say that these identifiers are bad? They can only be bad if they serve to oppress as a consequence for those who elect not to subscribe to them.


 Children do not see gender the way adults do but when they wake up to adulthood they must be equipped to manage the vicissitudes of life that nature and society will present them. After having spent the past 100,000 years of human existence evolving cultural standards to distinguish men from women I seriously question why humanity should suddenly be asked to ignore the beauty and relevance of nature’s design. In our zeal to perfect humanity we should examine our unhappiness with nature and try to live in closer harmony with it. We cannot reduce the argument of sex and gender to science alone, we cannot condemn it with religious argument and we are bound by every principle of humanitarianism to respect every man’s choice to live as the gender of his bliss.

The message that Bigdaddy Blues has to share is that coming out is a private affair between a man and his conscience; nobody else need be present! Fundamentally the man you are before just you come out is the same man you should be seconds after you have come out, nothing except your ability to be honest about yourself has really changed. A man who is naturally masculine and male-identified should devote careful thought to any pathway that would cause him to forfeit the culture of manhood he has cultivated all of his life. He should seek the friendship and advice of like-minded men who will help him establish community and ideological support. If he cannot find a healthy gay community that is accepting of him as he is  then he should summon a robustness of conviction to identify and conserve his fundamental values of manhood until he is in a better place to further explore them. Furthermore, every male-identified gay man should live as close to an exemplary life as he can to model for others in the formative stages of their self-actualization as male-identified gay men.

FIN

BIGDADDY BLUES

ON WAKING UP THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF BLACK AMERICANS: A REFLECTION ON THE MEANING OF MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

ON MARTIN LUTHER KING’S LEGACY AND THE RESPONSIBILITY OF BLACK AMERICAN MEN TO THEIR COMMUNITIES:

Kings legacy reaches beyond the millions of Black American men whose passion and suffering his own reality was closest to as a Black American man himself.  Today black men in America must honestly ask themselves if they have kept his prophetic teachings sacred living lives exemplifying their principles… have they maintained family and community integrity laying a firm foundation for generations to come...To many who have striven to uphold King’s dream it may appear as if many black men have died unto their responsibility for the perpetuation of peaceful humanitarianism becoming social, ethical and moral corpses… We must all ask ourselves if it is possible that this is true and commit ourselves to honestly answer that question. The black community is dying fast, this is not a prediction or probability it is a grim reality.  As resilient as black people have been to slavery, racism and literally one form of oppression after the next there is a real physical limitation that any people can endure and for black people in America that fateful time appears to be already behind them, what is left are shreds of an embittered struggle now lost now won now lost... The Black American community has long since deteriorated beyond all reasonable recognition as a functional and cohesive community,  what is left in it's place is a corrupt and confused shell of bravado and forgetfulness. To say black people in America must confront issues they have conveniently ignored such as black on black crime if they ever hope to become strong enough to survive let alone combat external racism is an understatement but a truth every other race and ethnic group is clearly aware of except Black Americans. If this is not self-induced blindness what is?

Black on black crime is an internal cancer preventing the black community from moving forward, in order to move forward black people must eradicate drugs, crime and ignorance from their streets and homes, they must make it clear to criminals returning from prison into their community that they will not tolerate the furtherance of violence and crime and demonstrate their communities ability to have criminals who challenge their rules returned to jail thereby allowing their families, children and business to thrive. This means that the black intelligentsia must step up to the challenge ending their ivory tower isolationism, they must seize control over the black community replacing spurious icons manufactured by a profit driven media caring nothing for the stability of family and community life or for the great legacy of black peoples in this country. If  the Black cannot do this they will certainly fail as a peoples and even Dr. Kings magnificent dream will not suffice to resurrect them! It is historically difficult for the black community to absorb and process this kind of criticism because they have an autonomic response to the abuses of racism dealt to them over many hundreds of years.  So I offer this sober message deliberately presented as a real and perilous landscape so that it will wake black men up and not sugar-coat the issue, (if there is any),  of their failure to rise to Dr. King’s challenge! Therefore,  I say if any black man fails then all black men have failed! That sufficiently raises the stakes bringing all black men into full responsibility… I say this lovingly but know that my eyes and my heart see a grim picture and I do not know if real possibility that the black community can revitalize itself because hope and actuality are two very different things!

WAKING UP…

Prophets whisper into corpses ears,

a ritual throttled by a bitten tongue,

in a mass-eulogy inaudible to the young,

a lurid vision conjured for sleep-walkers to hear,

relics like the dead on their glorious day,

are soul-less fragments of expired dreams,

men need humbling immersions in a saintly stream,

awakening minds despair has spirited-away…

BIGDADDY BLUES

OF MAMMIES AND PICKENENNIES: HOW TO EMBRACE A DIFFICULT PAST!

MAMMIES AND PICKENENNIES!

I can’t make you love yourself,

I can’t make you cherish your history,

I can’t, no indeed I can’t

Keep you from seeing mammies and pickenennies,

Instead of your own hard-fought history,

I can’t make you embrace the enslavement of your ancestors,

I can’t, no indeed I can’t,

I can’t make you cherish the humble lifestyle they endured,

No more than I can make you stop hating yourself,

I can’t, no indeed I can’t,

I can’t make you understand,

How to celebrate your history, its every nuance now,

If you choose to erase it in your shame,

I can’t participate in your self-hatred game,

I can’t, no indeed I can’t,

When your history is erased you will not have a name,

Your pathway will be lost, and others will claim,

The history you failed to love,

Because you saw mammies and pickenennies,

Instead of you,

Brotha I can’t, no indeed I can’t,

Nor do I have any hope for you,

you've sold your legacy down the river,

there's nothing more that I can do

I can't, I certainly can't

give another thought to your treachery,

or to you...

FIN

BY BIGDADDY BLUES

A GALLERY OF RELATED IMAGES

REFLECTIONS OF A NON GOD FEARING MAN

GOD FEARING MAN

I am not a god fearing man,

Because I do not fear what I love,

I know that love has to understand,

So my god could not have a wrathful hand,

Freedom requires an introspective mind,

Humility has often opined,

For you to get your life’s-worth of soul,

Grow whatever peace you can find…

BY BIGDADDY BLUES

FROM DRED SCOTT TO MICHAEL BROWN: A LONG HISTORY OF LEGAL PRECEDENTS DOCUMENTING THE STRUGGLE FOR FREEDOM AGAINST RACISM IN AMERICA

Portrait of Dred Scott

SIFTING THROUGH THE BIG BAG OF CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUES:

Bigdaddy Blues’ Response To The compelling article, “A Letter To The “Insta-Advocates” Of Civil Rights And Justice From A Black Same Gender Loving Man” Written by Bobby Smith.

Over the years I have attended so many protests and demonstrations here in this capital city and abroad, marching and standing vigil for truth, so I fully support your effort to spread the word among those who have already shown that they have a conscience and are open to positive change. I do recall many other organizations circulating their pamphlets and literature related to the overall causes of human civil rights, information I carefully tucked away to read later whilst focusing on the main cause, the cause that got me out of my bed that day. 

I wrote this article in direct response to a question posed by author Bobby Smith because it was such a powerful question.  After reading his article it resounded stronger in my mind... It caused me to contemplate the track record of the civil rights movement with regard to homosexuality and sexuality in general.  Over the past few years the civil rights movement has come under fire with respect to its lack of interest and tenacity regarding the GBLT community in spite of the fact that many of its leaders have been openly GBLT.  In my opinion civil rights leaders have marginalized the causes of the GBLT community casing a rift in the political struggles of these two movements.  Much of the social progress that might have been achieved together has been slowed due to the perception that the GBLT movement was not the same as the same as the struggle being fought by Black Americans as well as other ethnic and religious groups in this country.  Mr. Smith's question was posed to me as follows:

"How do you think this message would be received if I went to Ferguson and recited it in front of the collective protesters?"

Bobby Smith, you throw an interesting and essential wrench into the broad bag of civil rights causes.  Some 50 years after the first major civil rights movement the issues of homosexuality and sexuality in general have finally surfaced after being purposely suppressed in order that racism in specific could remain the primary concern.  Now there are some merits to this 1960's strategy given the times and while this does not make it right it certainly made the movement more effective by reducing the number of competing issues America had to weigh at that most difficult time.  A similar event happened 150 years earlier with the women's suffrage movement.  From the early 1700s right down until the Emancipation Proclamation was written abolitionists and suffragists traveled the same lecture circuits between Europe and the United States each visualizing their causes as equally essential and as so intimately connected to be treated as one cause.   Unfortunately as history has shown us though abolitionists and suffragists protested hand in hand the suffrage movement was completely ignored when Lincoln emancipated the slaves.  At that time Lincoln and congress determined that America was not yet ready to deal with both causes though both were certainly valid. 

Tintype of Dred Scott

In the 1960’s after a rough period of about 100 years since emancipation the evil truth of racism again arose before the nation as the issue of primary concern.  Now we are witnesses to the rise of the sexual revolution which has advanced to the front line of the civil rights movement but not without some much expected resistance.   Historically the civil rights community has been raised to ignore the concerns of the sexual revolution because sex has been perverted into a dirty and uncomfortable subject in American culture and leaders are concerned that their images  are not besmirched or polarized with sexual issues at the expense of other humanitarian concerns such as racism and economic bias.  I am certain that the protesters in Ferguson certainly do not want to divert attention from the issue at hand which is racism in general but murder and discrimination against black men, Michael Brown in specific. But there is no better place to share your concerns than in Ferguson  which is already primed and open to the cause of egalitarianism having been victimized so horribly by the lack of it. 

So I must ask you honestly Bobby Smith, turning your own question back upon you; “what kind of response do you expect to receive if given a chance to read your article to the demonstrators at Ferguson a population which is already focused on a different application of civil rights protest?  To conclude my response please allow me to say that I passionately support your mission to raise awareness of sexual discrimination within the ranks of the civil rights movement among the outraged population of Ferguson but I must also ask you to please clarify if there is any physical tie-in with the motive for the assassination of Michael Brown of which you are aware?  More directly, was Michael Brown homosexual or was he perceived to be gay perhaps through his personal associations and if so was his murderer was aware of this; might it have motivated the policeman to kill him and inspired the local police and judicial system to discriminate against him?  Is there a clear link between the assassination of Michael Brown and the historical trend of the civil rights movement to downplay homosexual rights that makes gay rights stand out among all the components of the big bag of civil rights as a concern to be weighed equally in the protest and trial of the violent and senseless assassination of Michael Brown? 

FIN

WRITTEN BY: BIGDADDY BLUES

Read the full article by Bobby Smith at: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7XngP-oqDH8ZDZoYWZBTkl5bU0/edit  

1847 Article on the Dred Scott Trial

WHAT WE CAN DO: KEEP THE OPTIONS WITHIN HUMAN SCOPE

WHAT WE CAN DO

What can we do to stop the wind,

That will keep it from ever blowing again,

How can we neuter passions force,

To render it impotent during its course,

Gladly, the options are none too few,

We should be satisfied with what we can do…

BY BIGDADDY BLUES

PRUDENCE: AN OLDER MAN'S REFLECTION ON YOUTH

PRUDENCE

If I unseal the door to earlier years,

when life appeared to be blessed with fewer cares,

i may fail entering, to slight an already conquered foe,

who bruised my youth but now slays my elder unawares’,

old men clench the dust of prudence in their fists,

owing more than chance for each laurel’ed tryst,

i might die recapturing youth’s careless lustiness,

or with my last breaths I might thank death for his gentleness…

By Bigdaddy Blues