OUTCOMING
A STORY BY BIGDADDY BLUES…
When I was a young adolescent of 15 years I was suddenly thrust into a world I had never imagined, it was the world I came out to and I was completely ready to immerse myself in it. I was a typical athletic, rusty-butt teenager and doing the things most boy’s do who are able to be free to enjoy their youth. The gay world I came out to was completely alien to me… it defied nearly everything I had understood about life up to that point. I knew the first time I stepped into the life that it would never feel like family because my own family was so warm and supportive, nothing could take its place. I perceived that many of the men around me were scared or lost, other than signifying they appeared to have no other raison d'etre; i felt they had run away from some other world to any world that would accept them. After all, how interesting could a bar full of middle-aged men drinking alcohol be to a teenager who was still riding his skateboard as a primary means of entertainment? But the gay lifestyle, I would discover was a world that would only accept a man on its terms and those terms could be as brutal as the world from which a man had nearly escaped. In the case of many men coming out would ultimately include a rigorous process of indoctrination into what is called “The Life”. The life is a subculture with its own language, rules of operation, ethics, aesthetics and consequences… To be honest, the gay culture I experienced as a teenager was far too harsh for my liking, I enjoyed being able to talk to men who were passionate about art, architecture, music and literature and clubbing but that is where the romance ended for me… other than conversation I had nothing in common with the men with whom I associated and I flirted with the life more as a means of ephemeral entertainment (not sex) when I became bored with my straight friends. As a teenager I was a big nerd, I hooked school to hang out in the museums sketching and studying the paintings and sculpture of the old masters. I sketched wrote poetry and painted into the wee hours of the morning and while I could have been running the streets. I spent the rest of my time exploring the woods and creeks behind my house. On Fridays I hooked school to go thrift shopping all day for unique club clothes having developed a love for antique tuxedos, smoking jackets, sharkskin and zuit suits… I loved the big band era and the delta blues and used to imagine that I was a musician living in those golden days so I began to dress in the style of the 1930’s through 1960’s. I’m quite certain that my passion for history went completely over the heads of my heterosexual friends but my gay friends totally got it!
I came from a close loving family, so I was not looking for acceptance within the gay milieu. I was not looking for a father figure, I already had one. My dad and I had our odds but he was always there for me, I admired and loved him, I would try on his colognes and cufflinks and neckties when he was at work, I wanted to be just like him, he was suave and confidently masculine, he was the epitome of a gentleman and I knew how deeply he loved me although I sometimes took his fatherly devotion for granted. I did not understand it at the time but I lived a privileged and sheltered life, I had no unhappiness, I was just a typical, happy teenager naïve of and eager to explore the world around me.
The first issue I had with coming out was that all of the other males were far too effeminate for my liking, they seemed to be obsessed with being beautiful according to female standards. I honestly could not identify with them at all but I wanted to belong to this new group of people still knowing I did not really vibe with them on many fundamental levels. So I pulled back emotionally because I could not find anyone who I could identify with at that time. Well, there was one brotha I was deeply attracted to, he was just a regular guy like me, naturally masculine but he was not attracted to me for reasons I would understand later in life. Nobody told me about the tradition in the gay lifestyle that a masculine man was expected to be paired up with a feminine man. I opted out of the dating game altogether focusing on being me. Being gay at that time was really very different, it seemed that most of the men who were out were very feminine. I could see vestiges of their former masculinity still shine through but as the years passed their manliness began to fade until many of them eventually crossed over the line. So I kept a safe distance and observed less intently knowing that the gay lifestyle as a primary focus was not for me. I longed to find naturally masculine male-identified men that I could befriend or form a relationship with to make up for the overabundance of feminine gay men that seemed to come from everywhere… fortunately graduating from high school and going to college pulled me away from that crowd and thrust me into a world that I really did identify with. In college I met lifelong male friends who shared my passion for manhood so I never looked back again. I loved the gay friends of high school and I mourned them as they perished one by one during the AIDS epidemic until they were literally all gone. Afterwards the gay men with whom I made acquaintance were all male-identified men like me and we operated within our own circles of like-minded men. I found great affection and understanding within my circle of male-identified men and we worked out the issues of being gay and masculine together. We operated as our own support group because we truly had only ourselves to turn to. Today most of my gay friends happen to be male-identified, we are mature now, professional and accomplished and we understand our journey within the mainstream of gay culture has rewarded us with the ability to honestly say that we kept our true identities. I have seen so many men transform from the regular guy next door into something else for no apparent reason other than perhaps they had no positive role models to show them how to love and cherish their manhood. I understand that these men needed to belong to something when they came out so they joined the only groups of gay men they could find, I do not begrudge them their choice or their lack of resilience. I do know that we have to offer male-identified gay men an alternative community of support that does not cost them their manhood to belong. Within the diversity of the gay community we must create institutions that actively help male-identified men retain their identity as men! So I live the exemplary life as a male-identified gay man, a role model others can identify with… I am the peaceful lover of traditional manhood and my name is BIGDADDY BLUES!
Now I am an American man and so my concept of manhood is necessarily coloured by my Americanness! I am also a scholar of the world who has studied the cultures of every continent and though I am no anthropologist I can confidently say that the ideal of manhood is not so very different as you move around the globe, no culture has a patent on manhood. Given the cultural and ethnic diversity of humanity it would be impossible to postulate a truly universal standard for manhood so I have become comfortable with a happy fusion of them all… Manhood is not defined only by superficial folkways, traditions, technique-ways and behavioral mannerisms it is obviously founded upon a more substantial core that is also genetically and physically rooted in our practical makeup as an organism. But the unique characteristics that comprise the world of manhood are essential, edifying structures, valid contributions to the broad and complex definition of manhood. The science of human social culture has evolved unique, (though arbitrary) identifiers such as apparel, to codify the roles that men are expected to play in their communities. Who is to say that these identifiers are bad? They can only be bad if they serve to oppress as a consequence for those who elect not to subscribe to them.
Children do not see gender the way adults do but when they wake up to adulthood they must be equipped to manage the vicissitudes of life that nature and society will present them. After having spent the past 100,000 years of human existence evolving cultural standards to distinguish men from women I seriously question why humanity should suddenly be asked to ignore the beauty and relevance of nature’s design. In our zeal to perfect humanity we should examine our unhappiness with nature and try to live in closer harmony with it. We cannot reduce the argument of sex and gender to science alone, we cannot condemn it with religious argument and we are bound by every principle of humanitarianism to respect every man’s choice to live as the gender of his bliss.
The message that Bigdaddy Blues has to share is that coming out is a private affair between a man and his conscience; nobody else need be present! Fundamentally the man you are before just you come out is the same man you should be seconds after you have come out, nothing except your ability to be honest about yourself has really changed. A man who is naturally masculine and male-identified should devote careful thought to any pathway that would cause him to forfeit the culture of manhood he has cultivated all of his life. He should seek the friendship and advice of like-minded men who will help him establish community and ideological support. If he cannot find a healthy gay community that is accepting of him as he is then he should summon a robustness of conviction to identify and conserve his fundamental values of manhood until he is in a better place to further explore them. Furthermore, every male-identified gay man should live as close to an exemplary life as he can to model for others in the formative stages of their self-actualization as male-identified gay men.
FIN
BIGDADDY BLUES
